The Depths Of Me

I could break down and tell you exactly how you make me feel, what you do to me, and how I wish things could be.But apart of me won't let me fall, won't let me put myself in a situation that I can't get myself out of, won't let me expose all the things I feel you already see; the depths of me.

I lay awake almost every night with thoughts of the past & present with different versions of the future & somehow you tend to appear in each one.Although I want more than you can possibly give me right now, I'm willing to settle (something I normally would never consider) willing to settle just being in your life as a close friend, distant associate even.

I've avoided writing these feelings, thoughts and emotions for sometime because writing them would mean that they're true. That I've let myself get to a place I've been running from. A place that I can't on the worst day pull myself away from.

But since I'm here might as well continue falling. I know there's a difference between love and being in love & I know for certain I'm not in love, but I catch myself from time to time thinking and saying "I love you" "I love this woman". Those wonderful, smiling ear to ear, so beautiful I wish I could record & play back whenever times get tough moments. The times where I wish I could be right next to you.

I'm unsure what my next move is, I've battled myself (my heart & mind) several times about just letting go & moving on or staying grounded and holding on. I suppose I could make this decision if I knew what was really going on. If I go by what you've been telling me then forever ill remain, but if I go by what I've been seeing lately then never will I come back again.

I want to say its my own fault, I got myself here. I should get myself out. What does it mean if you know you're drowning & you have what's necessary to save yourself, but you rather drown?