The Truth Hurts

im tired of pretending, if you want honestly .. here is it.

its sweet that you care, but i could careless

you say you see i future with me, i see you as my past

you miss me and think of me constantly

youre rarely ever on my mind, if at all

i honestly sit among friends and laugh about the foolishness you do

i suppose you can say i'm cruel and mean for it

but i dont care. all feelings i used to have no longer exist

as do the possibilities of there ever being an us
 

The Depths Of Me

I could break down and tell you exactly how you make me feel, what you do to me, and how I wish things could be.But apart of me won't let me fall, won't let me put myself in a situation that I can't get myself out of, won't let me expose all the things I feel you already see; the depths of me.

I lay awake almost every night with thoughts of the past & present with different versions of the future & somehow you tend to appear in each one.Although I want more than you can possibly give me right now, I'm willing to settle (something I normally would never consider) willing to settle just being in your life as a close friend, distant associate even.

I've avoided writing these feelings, thoughts and emotions for sometime because writing them would mean that they're true. That I've let myself get to a place I've been running from. A place that I can't on the worst day pull myself away from.

But since I'm here might as well continue falling. I know there's a difference between love and being in love & I know for certain I'm not in love, but I catch myself from time to time thinking and saying "I love you" "I love this woman". Those wonderful, smiling ear to ear, so beautiful I wish I could record & play back whenever times get tough moments. The times where I wish I could be right next to you.

I'm unsure what my next move is, I've battled myself (my heart & mind) several times about just letting go & moving on or staying grounded and holding on. I suppose I could make this decision if I knew what was really going on. If I go by what you've been telling me then forever ill remain, but if I go by what I've been seeing lately then never will I come back again.

I want to say its my own fault, I got myself here. I should get myself out. What does it mean if you know you're drowning & you have what's necessary to save yourself, but you rather drown?

Pretending

as i lay in bed my mind starts to wander and i began to cry
how long am i supposed to pretend as if everythings alright
i cant be the strong person everyones used to seeing
the person people turn to when their down and out
who do i talk to, whose going to resue me
i feel as if everything around me is crashing
and instead of moving out the way i just stand there
hoping that God grants me the pleasure of meeting him
im tired of feeling pain i want to be loved again
i want that comfront of knowning that i wont be judge
that someone cares enough to think of me first
but what am i thinking that could never be
cause people only think of themselves
so i put on my face and go back to pretending

 
-asshole

Body, Mind, Emotions and Soul

i suppose you think of me as just a pretty face
or mayb just someone with a lovely body.
im more then my physical features.
i have a mind i have soul i have emotions
in which you should attempt to take time to acknowledge.
although compliments of my smile and slanted eyes
are nice and greatly appreciated
i rather you tell me how my mental drives you crazy
how the beauty in my soul glows
how my words makes you insane and how
the thought of the depths of me has you searching for me
if you can have a full conversation with me
without even mentioning my curvaceous body
or the numerous of sexual things you would do to me
then youre chances with me would sky rocket
into the atmosphere passing planets and stars
in the galaxy is where we'll let our beings flow freely
and then thats whn you can get to me physically.



-asshole

Play .. Fast Forward .. Rewind .... Stop

opening credits of past relationships.
Starring You and Featuring Me

[Play]
i see you in the crowd and a smile comes across my face
trying to compose myself as my heart starts to beat fastyou greet me with a smile and a hug, my heart sanks,
the butterflies in my stomach start to flutter
we converse and acted as if we dont rather be alone somewhere else.
[Fast Forward]
kissing you as you pin me against the wall
wrapping my legs around you, you pick me up and carry me to the bed
placing me down i began to undress myself than you
pressing my warm lips against your cold body
[Rewind]
laughing at dinner with friends, timidly looking at each other
hoping no one notices that we're having this moment
sercetly texting each other sweet things
snapping back into conversations as if we've never left
[FastForward]
waking up to the sun rays on my face
rolling over and realizing youre laying next to me
smiling from the flashbacks of the night before
moving towards you slightly waking you
you smurk and put your arms around me
[Stop]
is this just a movie or our reality
have i exchanged the characters with you and me
or is this really what our life could be
whether a movie or reality
im longing to see how it ends.


-asshole

Love, No Like Letter

i could say i love you bt most dont know what it means and although ive can say ive truely experienced it
i can also say its nothing to play with.
bt i can say i like you with no doubt
something not only myself but others around us see
fighting these feelings because..well i got to make sure you like me too
and now that i see that you do. i want to stay here for awhile
rewind and fast forward our likings til we possibly cant like anymore
then even after still play around with the liking factor
cause again love isnt something to take lightly
and well that the last thing i want to do with you
not saying i dont want to love you cause who knows maybe one day
but not today. tomorrw or many tomorrows after
i like our playful manner, our ability to know our roles in each others life
and be around for that purpose.
i just want to stay in liking yu forever
this is my Love, no this is my Like Letter.

-asshole

I Like

i Like
..that you make me smile
..that i want to go against all odds
..being near you
..hearing you laugh
..seeing that you care
..being missed by you
..your jokingly possessive moments
..our secret codes and insiders
..how i receive most if not all your attention
..without asking you do the most
..even upset i cant go without talking to you
..when i hear your ringtone my heartbeat skips
..where this is going
..where we could end
..our love for music
..that we have so much in common
..our subliminal messages

i Like You
 
 
 
-asshole

Playing My Part

as i lay awake i realize my role in this movie

im the cushin between the ex & the next chick

the reliable sideline bitch
and because i knw my role and play my part well
i dont ever break character
and as many times as ive almost slipped
reading lines of that lead chick
catching feelings where i know i shouldnt
right before i do, i step back and fade to black
cause i know im my role in this movie
im the cushin between the ex & the next chick
the reliable sideline bitch
see... ive realized that thats why you keep me.
the problem is i know i deserve more
hell im worth better
and even you can see my greatness
but youre to timid of the outcome
i try to convince myself that time will tell
and things will work out
but lets be honest i knw my role in this movie
im the cushin between the ex & the next chick
the reliable sideline bitch


-asshole

i dont like you

i dont like yu, bt i like her.

you get my last nerve and she keeps me sane
you mke me sick and she a breath of fresh air
you barely speak and she talks just enough
you cant comprehend and she understand just fine
i can go days without talking to you but
i cant go an hour without missing her
i cant open up with you but im an open book to her
i do you favors and you dont say thank you but
i can do the littest things for her and she appreciates it greatly

i dont like yu, cause youre not her.
 
 
-asshole

Old and New

the old me doesnt give a fxck.
the new me cares to much.

the old me is nonchalant
the new cant put up a front.

the old me doesnt shed tears.
the new me has nothing but fears.

the old me is all about herself.
the new me cares about everyone else.

the old me is always ready to fight.
the new me doesnt see the point.

the old me gets what she wants or moves on.
the new me fights for it and then some.

the old me doesnt know how nor want to console.
the new me has a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold.

the old me breaks hearts wth a smile on her face
the new me is timid due to the heartache.


-asshole

..type shxt

i cant believe we're seriously acting like this.

i have a crush on yu meet me at the slide type shxt.
you can have the last of my brownie if you want it type shxt.
doing things for you even when i dont want to type shxt.
staying up late when i know i have work type shxt.
making time when i have barely any type shxt.
sharing, caring, and all the mushy type shxt.
causing a straight rufus type shxt.
plotting on each other type shxt.
poking fun at others cause thats what we do type shxt.
holding the phone not talking type shxt.
ignoring others calls and texts type shxt.
coming up with codes we only know type shxt.
do you miss me? [yes] Good cause i missed yu type shxt.
getting in our feelings whn we shouldnt type shxt.
daily who's music is better battles type shxt.
realizing we have alot in common type shxt.
learning each other and realizing this may not work bt
fxck it we'll like each other to much type shxt.



xoxoAsshole

[ding]

[ding]

i wake up to the noise. realizing its the computer.
i look at the screen hoping its your name that i see.
and its not. some random person just saying hi.

[ding]

folding clothes i hear the familiar noise yet again.
rushing over to the screen. sadly yet again its not you.
its an crazed ex who is the last thing on my mind.

[ding]

surfing online the IM box pops up and yet again another disappointment..
checking the time thinking she must be awfully busy
and eagered to see when ill hear from you.

[ding]

almost didnt hear it over the music playing but happy when i see it says your name. ive been waiting for this all day. meaningless conversations about your day, then mines. making each other laugh with inside jokes that only we could ever get. sharing past history, present achievements and future goals.



time goes on and things arent the same. we lose touch
bt i still get anxious anytime i hear that [ding] hoping that its you. that youve missed me, but until then i hope you knw that i miss you.




xoxoAsshole

As You Watch

slowly undressing myself

as you watch

moving my hands over my body

as you watch

laying dwn gently on the bed

as you watch

positioning just right so yu cn see all of me

as you watch

running my nails over my breast dwn my tummy

as you watch

body quivering as i part my legs

as you watch

breathing gets heavy

as you watch

gracefully moving my hands towards my inner thighs

as you watch

back arches as i place my fingers inside of me

as you watch

closing my eyes while i go deeper

as you watch

lickng my fingers and biting my lips

as you watch

pentrating once again speeding up with each stroke

as you watch

moaning louder grinding faster

as you watch

looks at you

walks over

gets on top

and the watching stops
 
 
 
-sha asshole

Dear You pt 2

Dear You,
How dare you think that i wouldn't find out. That i was blind as well as stupid. I trusted you and you betrayed me. You don't realize what you have until its gone is a constant line that runs through your head. Asking for forgivness? Granted. Asking for another chance? Denied. I refuse, you've lied one to many times. All i was that you be honest and even gave you a chance to make things right yet you couldnt comply. I wish you the best and a happy life, just not with me.

Dear You,
We've known each other what seems like forever. Through crazy woman and everything in between. I suppose its my fault we're in the situation we're in. I made the choice to end up way back when. Since then I've always wondered and now I'm seeing you have too, but somethings aren't meant to be. Like for example me and you. We'll always have a bond but never anything more. I like where we are. Lets make this our home.

Dear You,
I almost don't know where to beginning. I mean we're an unlikely pair i suppose. Something that happened on a wim. A night where we both was feelings friendly i suppose. I don't regret the moment at all. Actually a memorial time for me. As quickly as it started, it ended. Not something i'm okay with but these things does take two. I play scenaros in my head about what shouldve happened, what shouldve been said, what shouldve been left unsaid. I wish things we're different. Unsure if i'm completely ready to give up, but whatever happens happens.




xoxo Asshole

The First Time

As my soft lips press against yours my whole body begins to slightly shiver

As you lay me down ever so gently I think about all the things we’ve been through
Then you start to softly caress my body from head to toe I start to close my eyes and take it all in
I feel your soft, full lips, kissing my neck down to my stomach, then you start to move lower
As you gradually open my legs to you I feel you slide in holding me with all your love
You start to hear me moan quietly and then louder and louder with every move you make
I start to press my nails in your back the sweat falls off my face as it almost comes to an end
I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time to have our bodies become one
We kiss as we reach our romantic peak




-asshole

Tell Me Anything

is this just a game you play
saying things to me then telling her the same
i would’ve never imagine myself being in this place
but here you are staring me in my face
telling me that you love me, I’m the only one
yet from what I’ve heard to tell that to everyone
you apologize as if that’s supposed to be enough
i suppose its my fault for seeking where i shouldn’t
doing things we both know i normally wouldn’t
can’t believe I’m subject to yet again another heartache
but I won’t be the one who suffers from a heartbreak
after you realize what you’ve done
I’ll be long gone & fully moved on.







-asshole